Big changes, small changes

What makes a man? I've seen people I want to emulate, and I realize how strong my desires are to change to attain their attributes and also to be consistent. I think some of this is mostly 'change and stick to it', but I like to make small changes, as the need arises. Nothing tests this resolve like new year's resolutions. Lisa is always kind to help me try to reach my goals, yet honest. We had a good chat the other day about my heroic ideas of changing all that I want to at once, and trying to make it stick. She's a great example of consistency.

While I'm doing well on some, and struggling on others, I've found confidence and greater resolve in the act of frequent reevaluation. As I look at who I am and what I struggle with, a few constants seem to arise.

1. Anxiety

I think this is my biggest change over the past year or so. I feel so much freedom from anxiety. I felt better off having anxiety over being humble in order to keep from being my worst fear - prideful and haughty. Now I definitely have some pride issues, but that's another entry. Things that are really important to you will always get precedence whether you stress over them or not. The realization now is that with less stress I can spend that worry time enjoying making changes in my life and enjoying becoming who I want to be.

2. Procrastination

This has also been a good change at times, but I'm not consistent. I think this is my biggest struggle right now. I think it partly has to do with having so many things on my plate right now. I think the focus is to remove the unnecessary to make it easier to do what I need to. As with my new year's resolutions, if I put off reading my scriptures until after work, I find I won't get to it until I'm ready for bed. Hopefully removing this beast will lower my anxiety even more.

3. Self pity

And thus the devil's three step plan is complete. I have a memory for what I need to remember (names, phone numbers, etc). Sadly, this also includes a lot of (sometimes painful) memories of past stupidity that brings a quick hand to the forehead. I've noticed a lot less of this going on, and hopefully that's because I'm being smarter about my decisions as well as forgiving myself for past woes.

It's a blessing and a curse to see potential in yourself, but with improvement comes esteem. I've been looking at how to increase my short-term memory lately and have come the the conclusion my issue is confidence. When I'm confident, I remember almost everything I want to.