Funniest jokes in a long time

So as much as I don't like forwarding anything to anyone, I just had to post these. My friend sent me these:

HANDY HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.